The weather in Manila right now’s a buzz kill but chill.
Just had a week of reflection and with that, I had enough signs that I should stop abusing myself. Just like what an angel said to me, if I’m only looking for curiosity, I had it already. Now, I must go on a peaceful life. But good luck to me controlling myself. Good luck to me finding a better replacement for my bad vices.
I wonder if he’s going to text me again and ask me how I’m doing and this time I’m hoping he’d text me because he care, not because he’d like to cover me in sheets. I’d like to have my chance on responding a really mature answer and tell him that I’m not fine at all. I wish I’d have enough strength to tell him to stop because right now, lust is not what I needed. I needed someone who would make me feel like I’m a human. Yet, I’m still hoping for the worst that he’ll never ask me how I am since he hasn’t responded to my happy text about my period because he never cared.
Go on, continue not caring for me. By then, I’ll ignore your texts. Well, that’s a better idea, not replying to you at all. I think that’s a better response than telling you what I want.
Just like what my angel said, take it as a challenge to control yourself. If it wasn’t for the conversation with my angel, maybe I’ll get lost in the sea knowing I’ll never find out what’s for me to sail. God answered my prayers, he gave me an angel. To the angel who cared for me, thank you for accepting and giving me a heads up.
Yesterday’s errands from my relative’s house to send out the goods that came from my aunti from LA to UP town center. We indulged ribs from casa verde and I treated my mom some red velvet cupcakes. The interior from the bakery was lovely.
And also to secretly celebrate because my period came on Saturday by eating family mart green tea ice cream though the weather was uninviting.
I’m already 6 days delayed, took the pregnancy test yesterday and it was negative. It lessened my depression a little and he told me that I still have to take another to be sure on Monday. I think there’s something wrong with my body. I have been having diahreea and blood stool, i hope it wouldn’t be something serious and I’m happy he’s concerned of my situation and didn’t abandon me.
I’ve been praying hard to God asking for help and thinking twice if I should really ditch this kind of relationship because it’s already traumatizing even though I really love him. Yes, i think I’m in love and the best thing to do is stay away because I have my limitations and I know he’s not going to be serious about me.
I hate waiting for Monday but I have to. I also hate waiting for a serious relationship that’s why I’m always this desperate and this is the result of being impatient, more worries. I need more strength. I just really hope the test would be negative on monday and i’ll have the courage to get out of his life and be carefree. I still have dreams for myself. 😞 Stupid life desisions..